Having just spent an entire day on phone calls and chat lines attending to billing and maintenance issues with five different service providers, I am ready to slit my wrists. Trying to resolve issues with

• the telephone company,
• the gas company,
• our cellphone provider,
• our satellite radio service, and
• our home security provider,

I was left feeling exhausted, angry, and frustrated that everything had to be so complicated.

I have concluded that online chat lines are a total waste of time and resources and the value of telephone prompts is marginal at best. Fortunately, I am retired so time is not a critical issue to me but I have no idea how people who are still working can devote the hours required to fix personal service issues. I expect they are doing it on their employers’ time. I am further hampered by the endless verification steps I have to endure (I know; it’s for my own protection) to access my online information, including sending a text code to a cellphone number that is no longer in service. Lordy, lordy!

I long for the days when I could call the telephone company or the gas company and have a switchboard operator put me through to a real live human being who speaks English as a first language. Because I have hearing issues, someone from the other side of the world who speaks English in a soft, accented voice as a second or third language (I respect their ability to speak in different languages), I have to constantly ask them to speak louder and repeat themselves.

I would dearly love to discuss my issues with someone who has genuine empathy, not the scripted “I understand”, and is capable of resolving my problem in a single phone call. Am I crazy or was this amazing feat once possible to accomplish in a mere ten or fifteen minutes on the phone with someone sitting in an office in the city where I live?

The average amount of time I devoted today to trying to communicate with offshore call centres ranged from sixty to ninety minutes—without necessarily resolving my issues. Sometimes I was referred to up to four different service reps before I scored someone who could, or most often, could not solve my problem.

The corresponding amount of time required to type out my problem to a chatline, wait for an indeterminate length of time while the service rep read, digested, and then slowly typed a response far exceeds the length of time any person-to-person voice communication would have ever taken. I have mentally done the math. And, even my wobbly math skills are better than the productivity generated by these calls. Have these corporations ever done a time study?

Revenue Canada is still on my To Call list as is Nexus. For some reason, my online login information is no longer acceptable to the Canadian federal tax department, although they had no trouble finding me with their unexplainable $6,900.00 additional assessment last summer. I’m saving those two stress-inducing calls for another day when I’ve banked some stamina, preferably with a magnum of wine by my side.

I Have A Solution

As I was lying in bed pondering my first-world woes, I found myself wishing there was someone I could call to handle these issues for me. You’ve heard of Amber Alerts, and Silver Alerts (for seniors who go missing). I suggest someone set up a Silver Concierge service for those of us who are technologically challenged—a real live human being to take care of our problems—a virtual assistant/one-stop-shop for seniors.

Ideally, I envision a volunteer service—perhaps savvy high school or college students needing community service credits. Imagine being able to make a single phone call to someone and say, “I don’t understand my gas bill” or “Can you get me a better deal for my bundled telecom services?”.  I can even suggest the number—111—so it’s easy for us to remember. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone explain things to us simply and without us needing a degree in computer sciences?

Many of us are so desperate to be relieved of the frustration and stress associated with dealing with off-shore call centres and chatlines that we might even pay for the service. Theoretically, remote call centres and selective prompts should provide better service but do they really? If only Silver Concierge were an option.

Are there any eager young entrepreneurs out there interested in setting up a 111 Silver Concierge service? Am I alone or are there others who share my frustration? I don’t have much longer to live and I do not want to spend entire precious days of my remaining time on this earth fighting with big corporations who claim to “value my business”.  Does anyone have any better ideas?