The other day, I found myself moaning to a friend that I seem to have no energy at all these days. Boomers accept that aging comes with a certain decline in energy levels, especially those of us on the older end of the age scale. My friend and her husband have always been active, and I must admit I envy their ability to sometimes pack three activities into a single day. They can go golfing in the morning, do a Costco run in the afternoon, and then join neighbours for a game of cards in the evening. I can barely pack three activities into a month! If I drive to the grocery store, pop the hatch to pick up my preordered groceries at the curbside, go home and put things away, I consider that a full day’s work. Is it genetics, laziness, or poor lifestyle choices?

I have never been a high-energy person. One of the most delicious perks of retirement is being able to wake up whenever my body feels like it, not when my alarm clock demands. And, I am free to take that after-lunch nap if I feel the urge. After racking up seventy-eight years on this planet, I am, for the most part, in tune with my body, but I don’t always like the way I was engineered. What I wouldn’t give to be one of those high-octane people who can function on four or five hours of sleep a night. I would be so much more productive. I’d be able to finally purge the junk in that hell-hole called my basement. I’d write and self-publish a new book every year. My floors would always be mopped and shining. I might even be able to tackle my income taxes.

Now that gummies are legal and so many people highly recommend them for various ailments, I thought I’d give them a try to up my energy level. My only experiences with smoking weed in my youth were not pleasant, so I was dubious. Everything these days, however, is supposedly controlled, measurable, and safe, so what did I have to lose? I scoured the internet to educate myself, checked out the reviews, and clicked “Place Order” online. I actually ordered two kinds of gummies—one strawberry, and one grape. As Grace Slick with Jefferson Airplane sang in White Rabbit in 1967, “One pill makes you larger. One pill makes you small”. I wanted one gummy to rev me up, and another to help me get to sleep on those infrequent nights when nature wasn’t cooperating.

A few days later, the remedy arrived at my doorstep. For the same reason I don’t like getting drunk, I do not like being out of my head. I decided to try the strawberry sleep-aid gummy first. About an hour before I planned to go to bed (because the instructions said it might take about forty-five minutes to kick in), I popped one into my mouth, chewing and swallowing it like a gumdrop. Let’s just say, my trip was not a pleasant one. About twenty minutes later, my mouth dried up like the Sahara Desert. My tongue felt thick, and I was nauseated and woozy. I sat back on the couch and let the “natural” remedy do its thing.

I soon had a throbbing headache, and as Procol Harum sang in Whiter Shade of Pale, I thought the ceiling flew away. Make this stop, was all I could think about. I was impotent, out of my head, and not at all happy with what was happening to me. Most significantly, I was not sleepy. In fact, I managed to stagger into bed, lying there staring at the flying-away ceiling, wanting this nightmare to end. Needless to say, I was not inclined to try the grape-flavoured “energy-inducing” gummy in case I tried to literally fly away. I tossed the gummies and will never try them again—not even half or a quarter of one, as someone advised. No-siree!

It seems I have not unlocked the secret to raising my energy level. Red Bull and other power drinks are off the table. Perhaps I’m getting too much sleep, and it’s rewiring my metabolism to be in a permanent state of stasis. The old phrase Use it or lose it keeps running through my brain. The solution is probably to do more, not less. Perhaps I need to be reprogrammed with more activity, more fresh air, and more stimulation, which all sound infinitely more difficult and requiring more commitment than popping a gummy.

It’s never easy being the person we really want to be, is it? There’s always something chipping away at our psyche, urging us to do more, try harder, be better, even when we’re in our fourth quarter. I’ve heard about brownies, special cookies, and ashwagandha tea, but I don’t want a repeat of the gummy experience. I’m open to suggestions. Smarties? Ice cream? Much as sugar is forbidden, it does have its advantages. If only I could find an energy source that doesn’t require me to cut back on my sleep or eliminate sugar, life would be perfect.

So, today’s lesson, my boomer friends, is—I am what I am, and I must resist the urge to become otherwise with a magic pep pill. In future, I plan to stick to my traditional, proven stimulants—chocolate, Yorkshire Gold Tea, and the occasional fountain Diet Coke. When it works, it works. When it doesn’t, I’ll take that nap.