Dear Mark Zuckerberg:

Now that the State of New Mexico has successfully sued you/Meta for knowingly building predatory and addictive algorithms into your platforms, is there a chance for any kind of restitution for an elderly boomer for the hours upon hours I have wasted doom-scrolling Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram. I hopped on that addictive hampster wheel a few years ago and have regretted it ever since.

At first, Facebook put me in touch with friends and former classmates I hadn’t been in contact with for decades. That was lovely. YouTube definitely has its advantages. I just have to be discriminating, or I’ll fall into deadly, suffocating rabbit holes on how to improve my wardrobe, my skincare routine, my attitude, and my budget, which can suck up an unbelievable amount of time. Obviously, the way I am is not good enough. Then, a couple of years ago, I joined Instagram and another addictive cycle began.

It’s not just teenagers and children who are being victimized by your products. This old boomer has wasted countless hours beginning first thing in the morning, immediately after I’ve finished dedicating six minutes to reading what is left of my hard-copy Globe and Mail newspaper. My big mug of Yorkshire Gold tea is resting on its warming plate beside my La-Z-girl and before you can hum “Good Vibrations”, I’ve picked up my iPad mini and clicked on Facebook. That’s the beginning of the end of my entire day’s plans.

After exhausting myself with useless information on FB, I switch over to Instagram, where I’m confronted with reel after reel of videos and still photos I don’t want and certainly do not need. Thanks to inadvertently clicking “Like” once in the past, your predatory algorithms have made me into an unexpected and unwilling expert on some very unusual topics:

• catching and identifying venomous snakes in the southeastern United States. I can differentiate between a harmless corn snake and a shy but venomous timber rattlesnake, but I’m still iffy on the difference between a copperhead and a cottonmouth. I’ll just watch where I step.
• street walkers and Fentanyl drug addicts on Kensington Avenue (which I think is in Philadelphia)
• strange and gross skin diseases that I had no idea existed
• removing barnacles and other disgusting growths from sea turtles and picking dead skin off pet iguanas
• cleaning and disinfecting diseased cattle hoofs

As you can see by this partial list, my life has been immeasurably enriched by this new knowledge, but I would prefer to live without it. If it weren’t for the addictive powers of FB and IG, I would be able to devote more of my time to more valuable pursuits like plucking my chin hairs, exfoliating my feet, and organizing my boomer gal pals for a gossip-packed lunch. The final horizon is in plain sight for my generation now that we’re old. I don’t have large chunks of indiscriminate time to fritter away on useless scrolling and unsolicited updates on toenail fungus.

So far, I have managed not to engage with TikTok or X. I have minor brushes with Substack from time to time, but there’s simply too much media out there for me to wade through. I risk losing my mind. I do not wish to share my pitiful daily hair and makeup routine with the rest of the world, nor does anyone need to be exposed me singing or dancing, which means TikTok is pretty much off the table for me. I may not be juicy bait for pedophiles or sex traffickers, and my ego is largely secure thanks to my advanced age, but I’m drowning in useless information. It is destroying my soul and wasting precious retirement time.

Being a junkie is not something I’m proud of, but your business practices have turned me into one. Please include my name on the list for appropriate financial restitution in any future class-action lawsuits. You can afford it, and if you settle with me, I promise I will never badmouth your products again. Boomers don’t lie. Just ask the American President—I understand he’s a close friend of yours. Looking forward to my cheque for damages in the mail.

Your Old Boomer Friend,