With Valentine’s Day approaching, I thought this might be a good time to confess my love. As I await the final episode (eight) of the final season (four) of Ozark on Netflix, I must confess my love for you has not diminished over the years. In fact, as you matured and grew a tiny bit craggier, I think it has grown deeper.
My imaginary love affair with you began a few years ago when I first watched you play Sandy Patterson opposite Melissa McCarthy’s Diana character in Identity Thief. Not only was that movie hysterically funny, but it launched a new romantic love interest for this old boomer. Liam Neeson, my former dream lover, slipped to second place.
Is it noses? I’ve never been attracted to “pretty” men like Brad Pitt or Robert Redford. I like my men to have manly noses and yours is absolutely perfect. I possess such a nose myself, having inherited my father’s substantial nose, more’s the pity. Ah well. And you have one helluva great head of hair too.
What particularly captured me in Identity Thief, apart from the loveable character you played, was how you present in jeans; just the right amount of casual je ne sais quois with the precise degree of confidence displayed by a man wearing non-designer denim and shirts that looked like they would be something that would turn up in my own laundry basket.
Watching you and the fictional Byrd family evolve from boring Chicago Gen X’ers to brilliant drug cartel-sparring, casino-owning, murdering, law-breaking anti-heroes in Ozark brought some much-needed excitement into a two-year life of COVID restrictions for this old boomer. And, to give due credit, I’ve never seen anything with Laura Linney in it that I did not also absolutely love. What a team!
As I near the end of Season Four of Ozark, I realize I still need more Jason Bateman. When I Google’d the names of cast members, I learned that you also starred in the successful TV show Arrested Development a few years ago. How I missed that one, I’ll never know. Chalk it up to menopausal brain fog. That explains most of my later life missteps.
You tend to play similar characters; innocuous, handsome family men in a sea of strange people doing weird things. As brother and son Michael in Arrested Development you’re trying to save a family business destroyed by a witless father who has been imprisoned for his misdeeds; sort of a Schitt’s Creek, California style. The supporting cast is delightful, including Jessica Walters as the family’s dishonourable matriarch; Portia de Rossi (Ellen DeGeneres’s missus in real life) as his clueless sister, Lindsey; Will Arnett as hapless brother Gob (pronounced Jobe); and the rest of the excellent cast.
Fortunately, there are enough episodes of Arrested Development in the can to keep me entertained for a while, but you should probably start working on something new for me to binge on by mid-2022. I can probably fill some of the time with reruns of Liam Neeson movies, but I need to see those soft denim blue jeans you wear so well walking away from the screen, again on-screen, very soon.
Many decades ago, my fantasy love-life (unrequited, of course) centred around Elvis, The Beatles (mainly Ringo), and several cute guys in high school who shall remain nameless as I would not want to embarrass them. These days, however, my romantic illusions involve younger men in blue jeans with manly noses, good hair, and warm smiles. No one does it better, Jason my love, than you.
I’m inclined to think, though, that just like all those guys in high school, it isn’t really love, is it? Just a crush. And, that’s just fine too. I wouldn’t want Liam Neeson to think he no longer ranks. I would like you both to be my valentine.