As everyone is aware, the City of Detroit is in the toilet – broke, battered and beaten. Having given it some thought, I’ve come up with a solution that could help everyone. Turn Detroit into Florida north. That is, make it a haven for retiring Boomers and the arts community. Homes can be purchased for next to nothing – in some cases as low as $1.00. We love fixing things up and decorating. Retirees bring all kinds of jobs and benefits that could help re-build the city. We like to eat out – restaurants would flourish. Especially ones with early bird specials and two-hour happy hours. We like to wear snazzy clothes – bring on the colorful boutiques with big jewelry and pants with discreet adjustable waists. We also like fancy shoes, lots of shoes although we only wear them for the above-mentioned restaurant outings.
Boomers need doctors – all kinds – ear doctors, eye doctors, plastic surgeons, hairdressers, a Walgreens on every corner and being so close to Canada, preferably a Tim Horton’s on the opposite corner.
Until the safety and security issues get sorted out, we could set up gated communities where Boomers could blissfully dance to the 50s and 60s music in the Activity Centre on Friday and Saturday nights. Hell – Motown is the soul of Boomer music. We could grow our own weed and tomatoes, play tennis, golf and poker, set up book clubs and take Zumba, painting and yoga classes on weekday mornings.
Weather permitting, we could bike to visit friends or hop onto our golf carts. We like the cheap booze at Costco and Sam’s Club and big screen televisions would fly off the shelves. Movie theatres would be as busy in the afternoons as the evenings as we tend to go to bed by 9:00 p.m.
We’re all computer literate so there’d be plenty of jobs for young people who know how to solve our computer crashes. We no longer have the patience required and we pay big dollars to make our computer problems just go away. Manicure and pedicure salons would flourish. Although we like gardening we don’t like cutting grass or doing heavy work. More jobs for landscapers.
Boomers all tend to drive big, expensive SUVs under the pretext they’re safer although we know it’s really because men still think bigger is better. The car lots and gas stations would be weeping for joy. And we’re multiple-car households. Home Depot would never want for customers or hired help.
For those Boomers who still like to go to Florida (the real one down south) in winter to avoid Detroit’s shitty weather, we hire house-sitters, snow shovellers, and security services to look after our northern digs while we‘re away. More jobs. And during the winter, the arts community could be painting our kitchens and creating more big jewelry for us to wear when we return in April.
I know. I’m brilliant. Just call me.