Imagine a perfect world where it was unheard of for boys and men to pee standing up—spraying, dribbling, and otherwise sprinkling their scent around the room. Imagine if they all did it the proper way—the way girls and women do—sitting down. We’d all be able to walk into our bathrooms in our bare feet without screeching in horror as we tippy-toe aside and reach for the disinfectant wipes to clean the floor, the rim, the seat, and maybe even the lid before going about our own business. Think of the gazillions of dollars we would save in floor cleaners and disinfectants. Is it a bridge too far? An impossible dream?

I once asked a girlfriend how on earth she copes with sharing a bathroom with a husband and her three sons. Her answer was music to my ears. “First of all, the boys have their own bathroom, which they are responsible for keeping clean, on a daily basis.” She’s my hero! But her most important rule was “And, my boys are being raised to pee sitting down!” While she admitted she can’t control what they do in public washrooms, at home they must behave like gentlemen and sit for the entire performance. She’s also raising them to enjoy cooking and doing their own laundry. Their future wives will love having her for a mother-in-law.

Older men seem to develop even less control of trajectory as they age. There’s a hilarious scene in the the wonderful movie About Schmidt with Jack Nicholson that I absolutely love. When his character’s wife dies, he celebrates his liberation from wifely rules and, in the ultimate act of defiance, takes great pride in standing to pee instead of sitting down as he had been commanded. With a giant grin on his face, his hands clasped behind his head, and his aim hitting all points of the compass, he’s finally free to do it his way—hands-free and standing. Make no mistake, I’m on the wife’s side.

The procedure for potty training little boys often involves teaching them to aim at a Cheerio floating in the toilet bowl in hopes that their aim will register and be imprinted for life. Hah! Have you ever visited a public men’s washroom? I don’t recommend it. I once accidentally ventured into the men’s room at a swanky venue for a business meeting and was horrified. Even though it was unoccupied by the opposite sex, my senses told me immediately that I was in the wrong place. You get my drift. Don’t forget, I worked in the construction industry for many years, and I will spare you the horrors of having to use an on-site Johnny-On-The-Spot.

Peeing standing up seems to be the default for males in North America. In certain parts of Asia and Europe, however, at least half of the male population pees sitting down. In fact, sitting is recommended for older men because men with lower urinary tract symptoms or an enlarged prostate may empty their bladders more completely when seated. Cleaner and healthier. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to change an older man’s habits, much to our sorrow. Although I have no personal experience in this matter, I understand that even prison etiquette demands that men sit to prevent spraying their shared, confined space.

I realize that one old boomer gal’s plea will not change the ways of the world, but at least I’ve vented. While we’re at it, I would like to advocate for more women’s washroom facilities in public spaces. We do take a bit longer to attend to our personal needs (no apologies), and it seems building codes written by men have never taken this into account, hence the frequent lineups.

If there’s just one little thing that could be done to ease the workload on women, reduce the cost and impact of cleaning chemicals, and generally make the world a happier place for more than fifty percent of the population, it would be training little boys and men to pee sitting down. I’m pretty sure we’d be willing to reward them in actual money each time they do it the right way. No Cheerios needed. Am I right? Let’s clear the air on this issue once and for all.