Self-checkout no longer works for me. In fact, does it serve anyone properly? It started with self-service gas stations and bank machines. Before long, we were checking out groceries and by-passing travel agents to book airline reservations. That led to deciding if we wanted to pay to pick our seat on the plane and then paying even more if we dared to take checkable luggage. We are now paying more to do jobs once carried out by real live human beings and we are not doing a particularly good job of it. Then, there are all the accompanying problems with shop-lifting and thieves bypassing checkout altogether. So, I’ve decided to switch rather than fight.

After endless frustrating experiences at self-checkouts that at times required me to call for assistance up to five times, I am no longer doing it myself. Instead, I am opting to go the old-fashioned route and have a paid cashier check me out. It’s been my experience that it’s faster and far more efficient than me struggling with weighing my produce, searching for a non-existent pricing code, forgetting to enter the number of bags that I brought from home, and generally thumbing my nose at so-called progress. Better still, I order online and pick everything up at the curbside stand where I tip the nice person who puts my groceries in the back of my vehicle for me. No muss; no fuss.

I have actually timed how long it takes me to enter my order on the magic picture boards now common in fast-food restaurants compared to giving my order in person to another human being. Trying to manoevre the computerized board takes approximately four minutes while telling a nice cashier my order and paying in person takes less than one minute. You’ll never convince this old boomer that self-serve is better than a real person. And, don’t even suggest I access the restaurant’s extensive menu via QR code and try to decipher it on my itty-bitty smartphone screen because I will turn all “Karen” and demand a printed menu.

Since I have opted to return to using old-fashioned human cashiers and ignore the self-checkout machines, my life has been running much smoother. I get to tell the person checking me out that I like their hair, or comment on the excellent/shitty/hot/cold (insert whichever word is applicable) weather. Canadian weather always warrants a good conversation and social interaction with a real human.

Bank machines are not without their benefits, however, most of us don’t use cash these days so their value has diminished. I have to go every so often to the machine to withdraw copious amounts of small bills so my husband can pay off his euchre and golf bets (he’s a high-roller who bets a dollar at a time), at least until he starts playing better. Most of my bills are on automatic payment at the bank and my CPP and OAS are deposited directly into my account. It’s a nice arrangement.

There’s more!

A new annoyance has crept into my life in the last couple of years which warrants mentioning. I rarely go to a movie theatre anymore because sci-fi, action heroes, computer-generated images, and blood-and-guts are not my choice for movie watching. Few movies are made for the baby boomer market. In their great wisdom, movie theatres have now decided that we must purchase our tickets at the concession stand, adding to the length of time we wait in line for our popcorn.

Baby boomers are a large part of the movie-going audience, but nothing is being produced that appeals to our demographic. Going to a movie with our friends or someone special hearkens back to our teenage years when it was an occasion to look forward to. We could enjoy a reasonably priced date night experience with the potential of being able to hold someone’s hand or, if we were particularly lucky, feel a warm arm draped around our shoulders.

If we order our ticket online before going to the theatre, we pay a service charge for doing the movie theatre staff’s job. If that’s not inconvenient enough, they also now require that we pick our seats—ironically from near-empty theatres—on a computer screen at the ticket or concession stand, which can get tricky when the friend who is meeting you has not yet arrived. What on earth was wrong with the old first-come, pick-your-seat system that worked perfectly for a century.

Even the big box stores like Costco have self-checkouts now. I was once humiliatingly pulled out of line at the exit for missing a bag of walnuts while checking myself out after using their handy-dandy checkout app. To my great humiliation, I heard a friend yell “Hi, Lynda” while exiting nearby, witnessing my brush with becoming a felon. If there is only one human being at a checkout and the lineup is fifteen people long, I will wait in the lineup for the human cashier so I will never again experience another walnut fiasco.

Self-serve gas pumps were never meant for gals like me. Who wants their hands to smell like grease and heaven-knows-what after handling one of those pumping contraptions? And, I do appreciate having someone else clean my windshield. But since my husband was diagnosed with dementia, he can no longer manage the credit card self-pay instructions properly, so I have to do both myself. Of course, that calls for another Karen meltdown.

There is one retailer who got it right, though. When I go to Uniqlo they have a setup whereby I simply dump all of my purchases into a bin and their scanner picks up everything so I don’t have to swipe things individually. That’s a great system and definitely runs counter to my objections to self-checkout. If grocery stores used this system, I might be converted. No brains required and no room for mistakes by me.

Surely, boomers aren’t the only demographic fed up with self-serve and self-checkout. I know we’re not as comfortable with technology as younger generations, but we need human interaction regardless of our tech I.Q., especially when it’s more efficient than the electronic alternative. Please back me up on this. I am surely not the only person who is fed up with self-checkout, just as I am also sure that having a landline is still cool. Right?