There probably isn’t a baby boomer out there whose life has not been touched in some way at some time by someone with age-related dementia or Alzheimer’s. One of my former roommates has already passed away from Alzheimer’s (at the age of 75) and two other friends are now struggling with the disease. Whether it’s friends, family, or acquaintances, most of us know someone affected by the disease.

Jann Arden, one of Canada’s most talented and famous musicians and writers has witnessed both of her parents decline and ultimately die from age-related dementia and Alzheimer’s. I remember reading her blog postings over the years as she documented their struggles which she eventually compiled into Feeding My Mother, a journal of supporting her parents through their journey.

Arden’s parents were not the only ones who suffered. As anyone who has been closely involved with someone who is affected by dementia or Alzheimer’s, the burden is shared by loved ones. She describes her biggest challenge and the ever-present enemy is patience or the lack thereof. There is also the frustration of trying to maintain calm and not get angry when they forget everyday things. “I have to stop being the memory police, stop needing to be right all the time. It’s exhausting and completely selfish.”.  A sense of humour helps too and Arden has that in spades.

Arden and a small group of caregivers took care of her parents for many years in their own home before they passed away in a care facility. They lived next door to each other outside Calgary. Eventually, the disease became too much for them to manage without professional help and maintain 24/7 safety for her parents so they were relocated to a care home nearby.

The feelings associated with losing a loved one to dementia or Alzheimer’s for months or years while they are still with us can cause confusion, guilt, and at times anger. The physical body you know and love is still there, but the person they once were is not.  “I miss my mom, desperately at times, but even so I’m glad to have this version of her still here with me.”. It’s a loss of the person while the body remains. Arden acknowledges there’s no handbook for how to handle it as every situation is different.

The title of her book Feeding My Mother originates from Arden’s habit of occasionally taking meals to her parents, to eventually becoming their full-time short-order cook. From early casseroles to answering the door at 7:00 a.m. to find them enquiring about lunch, her responsibilities increased as their capability decreased. She includes easy recipes at the end of the book that she used to prepare quick and satisfying meals for her parents.

I have read Jann’s earlier books (Falling Backwards, A Memoir and If I Knew Then: Finding Wisdom in Failure and Power in Aging) and she is indeed a beautiful wordsmith. Ultimately, Arden accepts that “Alzheimer’s is going to win, so you have to become a beautiful loser.”. I recommend reading this book, not only to better understand the disease but more importantly, how to cope with its fallout. It’s not a singular journey.

If you are unable to obtain a copy of Jann Arden’s Feeding My Mother or any of her other books at your local bookstore or library, click on this or the above links to have a copy delivered directly to your door. 

(Disclosure: I may receive a teeny, tiny commission. Thank you.)