Fashion is a fickle mistress. And do not believe the so-called fashion experts and stylists know what they’re talking about. I’m a huge fan of The Marilyn Denis Show but some of their fashion advice makes wonder what their fashion advisors have been smoking. Alexis Honce is an example of why Sears is going bankrupt. (And, she needs serious voice coaching to get rid of that ear-shattering nasal whine.) Marilyn, girlfriend, you have a great figure and we understand that you have waistline issues like the rest of us (especially me), but wearing maternity tops every day is not the solution. Peter Papapetrou is frequently way-off in his choices and Lisa Rogers is a saint for introducing me to FitFlops. Most of the time I trust Lynn Spence on CityLine but not always. Sandra Pittana has a flair I adore but unfortunately I’m not tall and skinny enough to wear her taste in fashion. One of the worst, in my opinion, is Oprah’s Adam Glassman. That man should stick with men’s wear. Chatelaine sometimes gets it right but they still devote too much fashion space to 20-somethings who probably don’t even read Chatelaine.
If I were to listen to the latest fashion dictates I’d be wearing klunky fat-heeled pumps with a wide ankle strap that cuts the visual length of my leg, a short flouncy gathered skirt that accentuates my 66-year-old wrinkled knees and makes my torso look like a yeasty loaf of bread. A cropped top would be worn out over my skirt making me look even more tubular and if I’m really lucky it would have raglan sleeves further accentuating a horizontal dimension. Weekend wear would be geometric printed cuffed short-shorts with gladiator sandalsâ€”very flattering on less-than-perfect legsâ€”and an oversize filmy floral blouse that makes me look like a walking funeral arrangement. On cooler days my knees would poke out through sloppy boyfriend jeans that play up the short dumpy look. And while we’re at it, let’s complete the ensemble with a couple of layered tank tops that highlight my bat-wing upper arms. Glimmer and sparkle my eyes with lots of irridescent eye shadow so every imperfection is spotlighted and colour my lips with a luscious fuscia gloss that glows in the dark and makes my teeth look rotten.
I realize fashion magazines are only intended to inspire, that we’re not supposed to go out and duplicate exactly what they feature. But we still look to them for positive inspiration and they deliver a disproportionate amount of ridiculousness. Where do these so-called stylists come from? They obviously have no understanding of the relationship between form and function. Stella McCartney, whose designs are always truly beautiful once said she designs with her (late) mother Linda in mind. Bless her heart. Sadly, her clothes are priced beyond the reach of 99.9% of us. Same thing with Armani.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until someone listens. Baby Boomer Broads (killer B’s) are a dominant demographic. We have money to spend. We like looking great. We’ve made enough fashion mistakes in our lifetime to know the fashion don’ts when we see them and we’re seeing plenty. When we make a mistake, we have caring girlfriends to intervene. Trust your instincts. And make yourself heard. Or call me. I have very strong opinions on the issue in case you haven’t noticed. firstname.lastname@example.org.