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I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!


Satan made me do it. My first mistake was picking up the President’s Choice  300-gram chocolate bar with hazelnuts (actually I bought three but who’s counting) at The Great Canadian Superstore (just sounds so patriotic doesn’t it?). Thought they’d come in handy over the Christmas holidays. For the record, these chocolate bars are a product of France (good); they’re 3¼ inches wide by 11 inches long (better), they cost only $4.95 (best) and are amaaaazing. The chocolate was so fresh it melted in my mouth and crunching the hazelnuts allowed me to make it last longer. And, as everyone knows, like Halloween candy, holiday treats purchased ahead of time rarely make it to the home stretch. It’s a predictable and unfortunate fact of life.

The problem arose when I opened the package for just a “little taste”. Less than twenty-four hours later, the entire chocolate bar was gone. If I were Catholic I could go to confession and God’s representative would absolve me of my sin. In his great magnificence, he would probably wipe out the accompanying calories too. But because I’m not Catholic I’m forced to live with my transgressions in a seething, swirling vortex of shame, guilt and self-hate.

Forgive me for I have sinned and will probably continue to do so. Seeking salvation.

In my defence, I’m convinced the manufacturers of those chocolate bars include a highly addictive narcotic in the ingredients so we mere mortals are powerless against its pull. I can personally confirm that the same ingredient is also present in red licorice twizzlers (as evidenced by ninety little bags disappearing from my house a few days after Halloween), and Black Jack Cherry ice-cream. My rationale is the sooner I dispose of it (i.e. eat it) the sooner it’s no longer a temptation and household hazard. I realize I should know better than to even allow these goodies into the house, but sometimes a healthy diet of oatmeal, fruit, vegetables and  organic food just doesn’t cut it. It’s hard to avoid those special sweet-loaded holidays like Halloween and Christmas. And there’s nothing wrong with buying your own Valentine chocolates—I’m just confirming that in advance. Some diet advocates say we should allow ourselves little treats on a regular basis so we don’t feel deprived and won’t binge. That’s exactly what I was trying to do—just a little taste. While my intentions were honourable, my little slip-up turned into a major pig-out and I’m now considering converting religions so I can continue to live in peace with my conscience. I think those Catholics are on to something.

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Have you tried snorting chocolate yet?


I love chocolate, but . . .

There are limits to my love of chocolate.

If you’re looking for a new adventure, I understand there’s a device available that was designed to allow you to snort chocolate, or more accurately, cocoa powder. Who among us doesn’t experience the most incredible high when we bite into a piece of good quality chocolate? Imagine huffing it up your nose. A Belgian chocolatier by the name of Dominique Persoone originally developed a cocoa puffer thingie for a Rolling Stones’ party in 2009 and voila, a new past-time was created.

Personally, I can’t imagine cocoa dust blowing around in the northern limits of my nasal passages or worse, in my brain cavity. Experienced users recommend adding ginger, mint or other flavour enhancers but advise against any kind of chili pepper. No worry there. My preferred orifice for chocolate is definitely my mouth. There’s nothing in the world any better than the feeling of chocolate melting on your tongue. Even after you swallow it, you can explore for any remaining traces that may be hiding between your teeth or stuck to the roof of your mouth. The joy just lingers.

I prefer my chocolate to contain nuts because chewing takes longer so the flavour lasts.

I prefer my chocolate to contain nuts because chewing takes longer so the flavour lasts.

The beauty of my own appreciation of chocolate is that I don’t require good quality. I’m a chocolate slut who even loves Russell Stouffer fruit creme chocolates that can be purchased in any supermarket or drug(!) store for pennies. While I have been known for fork out as much as five dollars for one perfect, delectable artisan morsel of the Belgian variety, I’m equally thrilled chowing down on a Cadbury Caramilk. In fact, one of my favourite brands is dirt-cheap and imported from France. President’s Choice (available at Loblaws, SuperStore, Zehrs’ supermarkets) offers a 300-gram shoe-sized slab of amazing chocolate  and it only costs $3.95. I can jam the entire thing in my mouth and get an unbelievable high with no snorting involved—well, maybe a little but I do try to be quiet.