When Donald Trump expressed interest in buying Greenland, it was suggested that Denmark buy the United States in order to finally provide Americans with decent universal health care and an improved education system. Touché. That got me thinking about how much more practical it would be for Canada to take over the United States.

• We’re geographically united and they wouldn’t have to start a war with us over access to our Arctic shipping routes and resources. Being the benevolent beings that Canadians are, they would then be one of us and free to share in our bounty without bullying.
• Americans would benefit from learning that democratic socialism is not a bad word. It means we take care of each other by spreading the cost of social services equally among the population. It’s overall more economically viable and just the right thing to do.
• Unlike Americans, most Canadians do not worship, need or possess guns. We acknowledge that the bad guys are still a problem but we’re working on that and we recognize that possessing guns to protect our families is an unnecessary and counter-productive approach to solving the problem.
• If Americans became Canadian, security at airports would be vastly different. We don’t carry guns.
• They would benefit from having a Tim Horton’s on every corner. It’s a place to meet and understand new people while waiting in the endless lineups. And some of us even “pay it forward” by buying coffee for the person behind us. We’re nice like that.
• While Canada is not free of racism, we’ve embraced multi-culturalism as a benefit to be enjoyed by every race our country welcomes to our country. Having a country populated by so many different cultures and ethnicities has enriched our society immeasurably.
• That Electoral College thingie just has to go. Where’s the equality in having a state with 40 million people represented by the same number of senators as a state with one million people? They’ll be better off with our parliamentary system and more than two parties.
• No walls required. I remember the time when we could enter the United States from Canada without a passport. Our word that we are Canadian and live in Toronto was good enough. The border guards used to ask us to recite the phone number for Pizza Pizza (967-11-11)to confirm our national identity.

And the list goes on. There are so many reasons why Americans would be better off being Canadian. Contrary to what Americans are constantly told, they are not living in the best country in the world. Many, many surveys, polls and studies have determined that Canada is currently the best country in the world to live in, but most Americans aren’t exposed to international news on their regular networks so how would they know that. Last year it was Denmark with the United States consistently much further down the list.

That’s not to say we don’t love our American cousins and friends. We do, very much. If you’ve ever doubted this, go see  COME FROM AWAY at the theatre (which we just did) and you’ll be forever reassured. It’s the true story of 7,000 airline passengers being forced to land in Gander, Newfoundland in the wake of 911, doubling their population in a few hours. In fact, take your President to show him that generosity and kindness are far more effective in building relationships than tariffs. Although it might be tempting to annex the United States and show them the light, I think we’ll just remain very modestly Canadian and keep our heads down, our eyes on the road and our sticks on the ice. It’s our wonderful little secret . . . and it’s not our nature to brag.