Am I the only person on the planet who still wears nightgowns rather than pyjamas? It’s been more than two years since I’ve been able to rotate some of my old nighties out and replace them with new ones. The reason for this is not because I blew the budget on purses and shoes or that I haven’t really tried. I’ve been scouring the department stores, lingerie boutiques, the internet and everywhere short of dumpsters looking for some new replacement nightgowns. Everything, everywhere is pyjamas, pyjamas, pyjamas. Shorties. Thermals. Dorm-wear. Brothel-wear. Skimpy. Safe. Granny or gorgeous. Every kind of pyjama style, fabric and price point is available but no suitable nightgowns for old boomer broads like me. I’m not particularly demanding but I do have a few specific requirements:

• Not too short. They need to keep my bum warm under the covers and should keep my knees covered when wearing them around the house. (Who knew boomer gals would grow unsightly muffin top on our knees!)
• Not too long. I’m not keen on maxi length because I’m only 5’3″ tall and full length usually means I’m tripping over it. Mid-calf midi (not maxi) length would be perfect. Hankerchief or asymetrical hems are a nice touch too.
• No spagetti straps. They just fall off our shoulders, requiring constant adjustments. Nice tank-style shoulder straps between one and two inches in width would do nicely. Despite the persistence of our hot flashes, we don’t like our shoulders getting cold during the winter.
• No ruching or elastic under the bustline. Again, this calls for constant attention, untwisting and relocating things.
• Breathable fabrics. Those hot flashes still blast us every so often and our bodies need to breathe. Cotton jersey knit or bamboo are lovely and the better quality fabrics feel divine.

  

• Feminine, sexy prints are perfect. Dark, solid colours fade in the wash and light colours are too transparent to be worn decently around the house. Animal prints are always fun. Painterly patterns can be lovely too. Orchids, calla lilies and other florals are cheerful. But, no teddy bears, strawberries or bunnies puleez. We’re not children. We’re women who want to be appropriately feminine and a bit sexy, whether we sleep alone or not.
• Soft fabrics are essential. Preferably something that moves gently when we walk and feels delicious next to our skin. No scratchy, stiff or rough embellishments.

I really don’t think I’m asking for too much. A midi-length tank-style, A-line nightgown in a soft printed fabric would make me the happiest old boomer broad in the world. I used to be able to score what I was looking for at Soma in the United States but even they have abandoned me the last couple of years. Donna Karen sometimes comes out with something acceptable. Natori is a bit pricey and haven’t really created one that I one hundred percent love.

I’m getting desperate. My inventory is seriously depleted and there seems to be no signs of hope to grasp on to. There are always hospital suppliers if I’m willing to tolerate year-round rear ventilation. I’ve considered cheap Walmart-style cotton shift dresses but they’re usually imprinted with childish animals, garish stripes or the above-mentioned teddy bears and they’re not as soft as I would like.

The other day I was so desperate I went into Victoria’s Secret (a store I dislike) and asked if they had any nightgowns. The young nymphette working there looked at me for a few seconds like I was crazy before she shook her head no. The empress has no nightclothes and it’s not a pretty sight.

Am I a freak or does anyone else share my frustration?