There are certain things a husband/partner just doesn’t need to know. Like how much time you waste on Facebook every day or the real price of that lovely sweater you bought a couple of weeks ago. Personal bank accounts were invented for that specific reason—yours, mine and ours—which allows for a level of privacy (mine) along with sharing (yours and ours). A certain amount of deception is critical to a harmonious relationship. One of my girlfriends has been substituting soya milk for real milk in recipes for years and her husband doesn’t have a clue. If he did, he’d think he “didn’t like it”. This way he’s blissfully happy with his soya Mac n’ Cheese and her life is infinitely easier.

Then there’s the sensitive issue of “recycling” some of hubby’s valuable junk taking up space in the garage or basement. Would he really miss that twenty-year-old set of left-handed golf clubs that never get used? Or what about those old spare tires? I know that if I put them at the curb they’d be off to a new home within the hour and he’d never miss them. “They must have got lost in the move.”

Husbands are also a good outlet for recycling things that are no longer of value to us. In fact, that’s how I got caught cheating. My own bath products are made of rare and highly formulated organic ingredients from remote mountain flowers and are often accompanied by equally rarefied price tags. Sometimes these products don’t measure up to their advertising claims or we simply don’t like how they smell. It’s highly subjective. My solution has always been to dump unwanted products on to my husband’s side of the shelf. Don’t like that kind of bar soap? Put it in the shower and before you know it, he’s used it up. Bingo! Don’t care for those cookies? He’ll eat anything.

I’ve poured disappointing brands of shampoo into his Head & Shoulders bottle many times and he never suspected he wasn’t getting his usual brand. Until I recently made the mistake of pouring a slimy purple shampoo I was bored with and specially formulated for blonde highlights into his Head & Shoulders bottle. Stupid and lazy mistake on my part. It obviously wasn’t the real McCoy and he demanded restitution. I got caught purple-handed.

And there is no useful purpose in husbands/partners knowing how much it costs to get our hair professionally coloured every couple of months. Nor does he need to know how many pairs of shoes we have. This information can only cause strife and is best kept secret. From now on I’m going to be much more careful in my deceptions. He’ll never know his sandwiches are made with the leftover bread I really don’t care for or that his clothes don’t get washed in the same load as mine. I’m happy. He’s happy. And, by the way, do you like my new necklace? He thinks I’ve had it forever and that I bought it on sale. Yes, ladies. Cheating is definitely the key to a happy marriage. Just don’t get caught. It’s our little secret.

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