Here baby, there mama

Everywhere daddy daddy . . . hair!

Hair is a very complicated business whatever our type of hair – dark, fair, straight, curly, thick, thin. Whatever we have, we want the opposite.  Then there are the thousands of products available to supposedly give us the hair we’ve always dreamed of. Growing up, my whole family used the same eight-ounce glass bottle of Halo shampoo, until it was gone. Then we bought a replacement bottle at the grocery store. We’d never heard of conditioners. It wasn’t until a girlfriend and I waitressed for a summer at a resort off Manitoulin Island in 1964 that I was introduced to Tame Crème Rinse. The other girls working there were from Richmond Hill, Ontario, obviously sophisticated city types who knew about these things. That was just part of my education that summer, but that’s another story.

Today, a trip to the drugstore or beauty salon to purchase shampoo requires a degree in chemical engineering and olympian stamina just to navigate the shampoo aisle. The shelves stretch for miles and feature multiple variations of multiple brands and products. For example, Head & Shoulders alone offers the following different formulas for shampoo:

1. Classic Clean leaves hair looking clean and dandruff-free
2. Citrus Breeze created with citrus essence created for oily hair
3. Refresh – added natural menthol gives a cooling soothing feeling
4. Ocean Lift invigorates your hair and scalp
5. Extra Volume adds body and bounce while making your hair easy to control
6. Smooth & Silky smoothes your hair and makes it soft and manageable
7. Dry Scalp Care with moisturizers soothes the scalp
8. Sensitive Care hypoallergenic formula developed specifically for sensitive scalps
9. Hair Endurance for thicker looking hair
10. Clinical Strength formulated to fight persistent, severe dandruff
11. Itchy Scalp Care helps soothe itchy scalps associated with dandruff

Now they also have a men’s hair product line as well.  And this is just one brand. Oh, for the days of choosing between good old Halo or Breck shampoo. Depending on whatever crisis I am currently experiencing, I have shampoo for colour-treated hair, dandruff treatment, de-gunking formula, clarifying shampoo, sulphate and paraben-free, organic, just-smells-good shampoo, shampoo and conditioner combo, prescription formula for itchiness, volumizing shampoo, thickening shampoo, gentle baby formula, curl enhancer, and psychic colour-smart shampoo for blondes only. They all come in separate bottles. And they all have corresponding conditioners in separate bottles. And I need them all. Styling products require even more bottles – thickeners, volumizers (I still haven’t figured out the difference but I buy both just to be on the safe side), mousse, gels (spray, liquid and gel formulas), colour toners, deep treatments, foams and shine enhancers.

It took me several tries before I finally scored the right blow dryer. There’s a big difference in how half a dozen seemingly similar 1875 KW blow dryers actually perform. There are even special serums and conditioning creams for taming the blow dryer effect. Some people use a curling iron and I keep several for emergencies. Once again, several barrel sizes are required depending on the length of the hair and the size of the curl you want to achieve. Flat irons are employed by those individuals who want to un-curl their hair.  And now they even have a curling iron that sucks your hair into its secret chamber and spirals it into glamorous curls not achievable by previous methods.  Finally – to spray or not to spray? If I do I risk looking like a helmet-head. If I don’t, the entire project will collapse and I’ve squandered hours of time and product. To hormone or not to hormone. To grow it out or keep it short. Much as I’d love to have a flouncy, flirty bob like Cameron Diaz, my hair type restricts me to short.

And now I’m going bald – pretty soon all I’ll need is a squirt of Windex for that fresh look.  That should simplify my hair issues. My friend Terry says that when I die, she’s going to have inscribed on my tombstone, “Finally, she’s stopped complaining about her hair.”

Think I’ll go have another glass of wine. That always makes me feel beautiful.

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